Saturday, August 10th 2019
As we enter the last four and a half months of the year I realize that there are a lot of new changes coming up. For starters I can't believe this year I will be turning 21 in October and starting out my junior year in college. Not only will I actually be taking my major courses but I will also be starting out at a new school. Ever since my senior year in high school I've had many plans but the only one that I've truly stood by was my school plan, for the most part. I did my time at Richland for two years and while I will miss the campus and performing I know that I will be okay because I'm moving on to better things. During those two years when I got my associates degree I enjoyed my time on campus and joined various clubs but it felt like it all ended too soon. Now as I enter UTD to finish off my requirements in order to get my Bachelor's in Psychology I realize that it will also go by fast, if not faster. This also saddens me because I feel like I'm not getting the full college experience. This was one of the cons to not going to a four year university, however I'm thankful that I got to save money and loans. Loans. Terribly so I had to take a 4,000 dollar loan for my junior year to help pay for my studies. Even though I didn't want to it was something that I had to do if I didn't want to stress myself out too much over payments. I've been doing everything school related by myself since my parents only understand parts of what I have to do and then my sister hasn't exactly been in my position. Cons to being a first generation student. Then there's the fact that I have also started a new job two months ago working for the city I live in. While I have gotten used to the routine of it all there are days where it proves to be too much. Just this past week we've had to call 911 twice over certain instances that have occurred that I will not mention. All I will say is that one was a false alarm and the second resulted in my anxiety being triggered and me trying to suppress it at work. Needless to say when I got home I felt worn out over the anxiety attack that I didn't let myself have. Then school canceled one of my classes so I had to rework my schedule in order to be a full time student so fafsa could give me the financial aid I desperately need. So the week I've had has been pretty tough but I've managed to get past it and not let myself fall into my depression before it starts all over again. I know that some time this semester I will fall back into it because it's something that's been with me since I was twelve. However, my goal is to learn how to control on the days where it's not as bad. All in all I'm nervous for the first day of school. I've already gotten lost before and I'm not too excited about getting lost on the first day. I know everyone gets lost at first when they go somewhere that they've never been to before, but I always feel like someone is looking at me like, "Ha! She got lost" even if it's not true. Either way I still have a week to mentally prepare myself as a new/transfer student at UTD. Wish me luck. -Cassi.
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Tuesday June 18th, 2019
Ever since I graduated from high school there has been a series of events that have challenged me. The first thing was handling college work compared to what we were used to in high school. Then, I had to figure out how to drive and eventually get my own car. Unfortunately, I couldn't just teach myself how to drive and buy myself my own car without the help of my parents. After getting my own car, I hoped that this would help to establish my independence, but in the end not having a license was a barrier which I understood. Fast forward a few months later, I got my license, but I was still not granted the freedom I expected. My parents simply said, "You're still a new driver." To this day they get upset when I drive to Richardson, or even Downtown Dallas. Now I pay for my insurance, my schooling, any car expenses, internet bill, and soon my phone bill. Even though I am twenty and turning twenty-one in October, I am still treated as an eighteen year old. So the question for today is-- When is it time to move out? Moving out comes to people in different ways. Some children move out at a very young age because they have the means for it. Usually these people have a considerable higher income rate or their parents pay the first few months of rent for their children before they can save up money to pay the rent themselves. Then, we have those people who get pregnant and move in to live with their spouse or significant other. There's also the people who move out due to their education or because they want to be closer to a new job opportunity, whether it's in a different city or a different state that's what they do. The thing about moving out isn't just about gaining the freedom a person thinks they deserve, but rather about whether you are mentally prepared for it or not. For instance, I have a sister who is twenty-four with a two year old niece, but still lives with my parents. While she is emotionally and mentally ready to move out she doesn't have the means making her financially unstable. So when moving out there are some factors that need to considered and they can be asked in the form of these questions: 1. Why am I moving out? Am I doing it for myself or for other people? What factors contribute to my moving out? 2. Where am I moving to? Is the location right for me? Are there other locations that are more inexpensive? 3. Am I emotionally stable? i.e. (Can I handle being alone? Am I generally a happy person or a sad one? Am I reserved or outgoing? Am I easily influenced?) 4. Am I mentally stable? i.e. (Do I suffer from any mental illnesses that can affect my moving out if I decide to live alone? If I suffer from any mental illnesses do my roommates know about it?) 5. Do I trust the people I'm moving in with? 6. How much do I rely on my parents? i.e. (Do they do everything for me? How much do I help out around the house? Do I know the basics; cleaning, laundry, cooking, prioritizing?) 7. Do I have a good paying job? i.e. (Do I make at least double then the potential rent? If an emergency happens will I be able to compensate for it? Do I have savings set up?) These are just a few questions a person needs to ask themselves when moving out. Yes, it is about freedom, but a person must be ready for the responsibilities of moving out bring. No matter how much a person says, "I'm ready to move out" it's not until they ask themselves these questions and analyze their life that they begin to realize if that is the truth of some empty lie they tell themselves. Tuesday, July 31st 2018
By now many of you know that it has been months since I've written anything fulfilling. I may write a poem or a short story here and there but it's nothing super memorable. It'll be good but not something I am eager to share to the world with. I have lacked a lot of inspiration lately and I really haven't been bothered enough to finish writing my stories that have been left on pause for so long. It's the not the fact that I don't have ideas, but I just can't seem to write it down on paper. Call it what you want, but it's not writer's block. Trust me. For months now I have been blaming it on writer's block but at this point I doubt it is. It's come down to the mere fact that I don't have inspiration. I used to read books like crazy and now I struggle to read them. It might be because as a teen that's what I spent my whole life doing and it might be because reality has hit me. I am nineteen and in October I turn twenty. It has been a year since I graduated and I am going on my second year of college. I have a full time job and I am a full time student with bills to pay. The adult life has finally reached me and while I don't pay things like rent yet it's only a matter of time until I do. I love my life and my I like my job. I do get stressed out a lot but at the end of the day I know I'm going to get somewhere in life. It may sound like I'm rambling but that's my point exactly. I've always been so shy to promote my writing that it has gotten to the point where I no longer write anymore. I used to promote like crazy and got excited over the smallest of views on my books. All of my books are found on Wattpad and it's really rare when there's a book in my hard drive that no one has seen. I really want to get in the habit of writing again but everything I have tried as failed. So if you have any tips I welcome them. Just comment below so I an see them all in one place. :) Also, if you're a writer I would love to hear from you if you've ever felt this way. Until the next time, xoxo. Cassi Saturday, June 30th 2018
There's no doubt that a person's teen years are the hardest years of their live. We struggle with the idea of identity, gender, society's norms, and suffer under high amounts of peer pressure. Given not everyone has the same experience but one thing is clear: we are all trying to make sense of it. As teens we don't understand much on the topics like abortion, racism, and political views. Even now at the age of 19 almost 20 there's some things that I still don't understand. There comes a time where we each go through puberty, but just because our body and minds are changing in relation to relationships it doesn't mean that our brains are developing in the way we think. Even after puberty we still have much to learn about the world. Many of us are aware that age does not mean maturity. There will be forty year old's with the mindset of a twelve year old and I am not talking about people with disabilities because they are an exception to this. I am talking about people who may or may not experience hurt, or a hardship, in their life that would make them mature. We are shaped by our culture, views, and surroundings. It's funny how life works out especially since we all seem to age at different times and different rates. So the question I am asking today is: When is it time to grow up? Thursday, October 19th 2017
I'm at a very happy point in my life. I'm enjoying the way my life has traveled. I've made new friends and met people I wouldn't mind knowing for the rest of my life. I think the most important thing to remember whoever you are is to not be stuck in the past--my mom told me that. She is someone who I'm truly thankful for. If it wasn't for her then I'm not sure what'd I'd do after every mental breakdown I have. I am thankful for her kind words. She helped me to realize that I'm not a negative person and that I'm actually really positive. Yes, from time to time I'm sad and doubt myself but she helped me to realize that I'm strong enough to get past it and that I am someone who knows who they are and where I'm going in life. Not only did she give me words of advice and helped my confidence in myself but she also is just there for me. Even if at times she gives it to me straight it still helps me to relax in some odd way, but not at first. I'm pretty happy with the way my life is going at the moment. I've met some pretty amazing people in the dance program at college and I'm really thankful for them because they have been such a guide to me here. I am thankful for all that they do and for always making sure I'm on my own game. Life has done a turn of events. In every single aspect of my life I am happy. I may be sad and stressed from time to time but my life is great. I'm ecstatic. Life is truly great. It's true that some people may never be happy but remember that happiness is a feeling not a destination. ---Love, Cassie. Sunday September 24th, 2017
Imagine being in the middle of a room. You have options all around you. This is the one moment in your life you have to reinvent yourself. What do you pick? What do you keep and who do you leave behind? Is reinventing yourself even possible? The choices you make and the things you do make you who you are today. So what happens when we want to start on a new slate? We erase the worries of tomorrow and the regrets of the past. That leaves us with nothing. It's like buying a jar of candy and taking away the candy. What does that leave you with? An empty jar. So take away everything you do and leave the outline of who you are. If you're an actor will you leave acting behind or will you become on the tech crew? Will you be a self centered person or a humble one. Do you wish you had more confidence? That you spoke your mind whenever you had an idea rather than cower behind the rest? What kind of person are you and who do you want to be. Ive tried to reinvent myself multiple times. If you knew me in middle school then I was really shy. By wanting to grow some confidence I ended up being the rudest and meanest girl in school. Not something I enjoyed and even then there was still people who were ruder than me. After a while I decided I didn't want to be mean. While people I high school still referred to me as mean I really wasn't. I was just blunt and had a nasty temper. Today I'm satisfied with who I am. I'm not shy at all (bless), not mean but I speak my mind, and while my future throws me off I'm pretty sure things are falling into place. So if you're in that room what do you pick? Saturday January 14th, 2017
Different things mean certain things to different people. Although there's times that I wish people cared about the things I do with the same energy and passion that I do, I know that people have different interests. Regardless, it all comes down to what they are devoted too. One person may see academics as boring, useless, and stressful while another person may depend on it for their future. At the end of the day the two people have different interests. I said for the month of January I had a theme of perception. So how does that come into play with devotion? It comes into play because there's different viewpoints and different viewpoints cause argumentation. The most common one that I think of is the argument of the fine arts department. Most people, including the government, don't believe the arts is important and is a waste of time. They think it's a failing career. As for me I love the arts and think that it should be praised more often. My parents however don't. So it's situations like these where a person questions what things mean to them and if it's really worth fighting for. Friday January 6th, 2017
It's so easy to point the finger to someone. It's so easy to blame someone and not give them a second glance. We're so quick to defend ourselves that we don't stop ad think about the second party. There's always various sides to a story but neither one is the real one. If we relay an argument to a third party then they get a secondhand relapse of what happened but the real story is the one you see with your eyes. It may not make absolute sense but when we witness or experience soething then that's the truth behind the story. Attitude and Perception. Perception is where a story can be changed depending on the person. If the situation puts you in a bad light then naturally you'll make yourself the victim. If the sitation isn't affecting you at all then you'll start to think so highly of yourself. Truth is, there is no right or wrong. Every situation is different of course, but ask yourself this; Are you truly in the wrong? Are you truly in the right? Perception is everything and your perception may not be another's. Attitude comes to play as well. Negativity itself can be a person's downfall. "A Negative Mind Will Never Give You A Positive Life." That quote could not be any more honest than it is. So when everything comes to play negativity and bad attitudes set in, we're all so quick to get an attitude when one isn't needed. So the next time you're in a situation don't get a bad attitude. Think about other people and know that Perception is all. Friday December 16th, 2016
Disoriented. Adrift. Astray. Mislaid. Wayward. Absent. All these words come leading to one major word: lost. As a teenager its normal for one to become lost. Every mentor will tell you that. Just because we are lost it doesn't mean that it's easy. Being lost is hard. The hardest part about being lost is that you don't know where to go from there. It's as if you're stuck in cement. People will pass you by during you're moment of weakness and some will help you and others wil pass you by. Some might help you where as others will make you sink deeper. I don't want to sink deeper. I want to get out of this black hole and walk into a meadow of flowers but I know that it's not that easy. I thought I knew who I was but in reality I don't. I don't like this feeling. It's a feeling of being lost. I'm not sure what I did to get myself here but I here I am. There's very few things that I'm certain about and even then I still have my doubts. Just writing this gives me an unsettleing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't know what to do and how to escape this black hole. I desperately want to escape, but I know that if I rush things that I'll come out worse and nothing will go my way. As I write this I desperately hope that I'm not the only one feeling this way as selfish as that sounds. For those of you who have already been lost and found themselves please give me advice. I feel empty inside. Not sure how I can explain it but I feel a part of me is missing. I don't know if I'm upset or slightly depressed. I don't feel happy, or like myself, yet I can still laugh and smile as easy as I can. It's not a struggle for me to laugh. I know how depression feels like and it's definitely not what I'm feeling right now. So I'm unsure of what I'm feeling. I went to Sacrfice yesterday. I must admit it made me feel slightly better and a bit self conscious. "Clean your temple. Clean yourself." I don't know what's my hidden treasure. I don't know what it is I'm holding on to. I'm not sure what it is the Lord wants from me. I could probably list a few things that I'm holding on to but I know that it isn't the big picture. I stopped going to church because it didn't feel right to go anymore and maybe that wasn't the right choice. Maybe I should've kept going and seeked guidance. Instead I isolated myself and for a while I was fine, but now I'm not so sure. So I've decided. I'm going to grow a closer bond with the Lord, I'm going to help out in the community more, I'm going to create positive alliances instead of negative ones. Maybe I just need a change in attitude? Like I've said a million times, "I don't know." I'm not sure who's reading this, but all I have is one thing to ask of you... Will you please help me find myself? I know Senior year is tough and allows for an extreme amount of stress. I'm learning on ways to relax my body and I'm learning that it's okay to cry when times get hard. I know that it's okay to lean on people's shoulders for help. In some ways I wish I would let myself be more vulnerable so that it would be easier to ask for help. I feel like I have stress from different angles and for some odd reason I feel like I have stress coming from my family. I'm probably just ranting and saying things but I have to get this off my chest. Whatever this is. I've ranted to a couple people because I don't want to keep this in and although it helps I know nothing will change unless I do something about it. So if you're reading this then please help me find myself and thank you for listening about how messed up I am right now. Friday November 11th, 2016
Footprints One night a man dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. As scenes from his life flashed before him, he looked at the path of footprints and noticed that during the saddest times of his life, there was only one set of footprints in the sand. Troubled, he asked, "Lord, why did you leave me when I needed you the most?" The Lord replied, "My child, I would never leave you. During your times of trial, when you only see one set of footprints it was then that I carried you." I'm not sure who wrote that but I'm sure that a lot of you are familiar with the story. It's true that in our worst days we feel alone. We try to find someone to blame for all the madness going on in our lives and its natural for that to happen. We find comfort in knowing that there's someone else to blame. In our darkest hour we want to be reassured and protected. Everyone has different people who will be there for them even when they feel that they've hit rock bottom. After so many losses one starts to believe that there's no one left worth fighting for or they decide to give up on a dream held most dearly to them. Here's a piece of advice: fight for what you believe in and if someone is meant to stay then they will. Don't waste your time second guessing yourself or doubting the people in your life. Things happen as they should and will end in the hands of destiny. |