Monday April 4th, 2022
Since graduation I have decided to take a year off from pretty much everything. I haven't really danced with the exception of a few classes and dances that I've made here and there for fun. Me taking a year off from dancing was not what I wanted but the dance team I was auditioning for had their auditions fall through and I wasn't aware of all the other pro dance teams around so I couldn't audition for another team. This year I am more determined than ever to join a pro dance team since I am more informed about the teams in the DFW area. I also took a year off of school which was the more intentional one. I had contemplated the idea between taking a second year off but now that my gap year has ended I am more than eager to start back up my studies and go to grad school this upcoming fall. It seems so close, but focusing on all these grad applications have proven to be stressful. Its good to start getting into the mindset having deadlines and writing papers. Hopefully, the next time I write I will have answers on where I am going to grad school and what dance team I will be on, but I'm not too sure yet. For now, I am going to start on my own personal training since I know that I must be out of shape and everyone around me also knows that I'm probably the worst at keeping myself hydrated. With that being said, I do hope to start to get into the routine of practing my technique and getting my juices back when it comes to learning and creating routines. I still want to nail my headpsring and I was so close to it before I had to graduate UTD and leave the dance team. I have participated in a friend's dance showcase about a month ago and it really pushed me to start creating pieces again and work on remembering my solo piece. The past year the only dances I've committed to memory and have gotten out of bed for have been the few tiktok dances that I admire and really like because of how hard they are in the minute or two that the tiktok lasts. Sometimes they aren't hard but rather groovy and those dances are to die for! With that being said, there has been a new development at work since the last time we talked and that was of me being promoted to Lead Technician! I am still working as a Registered Behavior Technician (RBT) except for the fact that I have more responsibilities and also have hours that are non-billable where I can work on making materials needed for our kiddos. I also get to help with trainings and I get to checkin with all our technicians in the process of becoming an RBT. It is very exciting and something that I look forward too. Once I start taking my graduate school classes I will be able to get promoted to Program Coordinator where I will have even more responsibilities and I will also get to start on my supervision hours in order to become a BCBA. Once I finialize my resume and hear back from schools I will be able to have a better idea of how my courses and path will be. In the meantime I am taking a sample online test course towards the end of April to get a sample of how online classes will be since I plan on taking the online degree route regardless of the school that I will be attending. Like I said in the beginning, there is not much of an update now but I do hope to have a better and more concise update in the future. Until then, Love, Cassi, xo
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Sunday, May 16th 2021 This past Thursday I had submitted my final assignments for my undergraduate career. I am less than 24 hours away from having my grades submitted and finally graduating. Ask my friends and they will tell you that I have struggled to stay on top of my deadlines this semester. Two years ago, I wasn’t even sure if I would graduate with my Associate’s degree and it wasn’t for a lack of grades, but more for the lack of motivation to continue on with anything. My whole life I have struggled with my mental health and because of it I have always wanted to fight for those who don’t quite have their voice just yet. Being a mental health advocate is a part of who I am and my identity. It is something that I have no fear of sharing to the world...as long as we don’t talk about myself. In some ways that would be pretty hypocrite of me. To talk about mental health but only share the bare minimum when it comes to myself. So here we go. Feel free to stop reading now if you get triggered easily. Two years ago I felt that I was drowning in my life. Nothing was going well and I was not happy. I hadn’t been happy for a while, roughly two months or so if you want a time. All it took was one final pin to drop and I lost it. I had a mental breakdown and it was like no other. I wanted to end my life. I had gone past suicidal ideation and went to thinking about the execution of it. Thankfully, I had two beloved friends who managed to bring me back before I could go to the point of no return. Other graduates will be proud of their GPA, awards they may have received, or may have their own obstacles to be proud of and that is perfectly okay. For me personally it’s a bit different. I didn’t graduate with a 4.0 GPA. I didn’t graduate with magna cum laude, summa cum laude, or even cum laude. No honors here. I didn’t graduate debt free. Loans, I’ll see you in November. I didn’t graduate knowing what I am going to pursue next. I didn’t graduate with any type of leadership award. I didn’t always have the support of my family these past four years, but I will tell you what I did have. I will graduate with above a 3.0 GPA (hopefully a 3.4 once final grades are in). I will graduate already CERTIFIED to be a Behavioral Health Technician and work with autistic kids of all ages. I will graduate with a job already in my field of Psychology. I will graduate with my dance minor, and hopefully put it to use soon. I will graduate knowing that I paid my final semester off by myself. I will graduate because I did the thing. The fact that I am graduating alone is a miracle because two years ago this was not something that I was planning for. Four years ago, I forfeited my opportunity to go to a university straight out of high school for the sake of saving money. I did the thing, and in a pandemic too? Along the way I have had to learn to stop comparing my successes to the ones of other people and it was a hard thing to do. It is one that I am still working on. Self-love is a journey and knowing that your successes come at it’s own time and also accepting your failures is a part of that journey. It’s the whole reason I created this blog so that I could reflect on both of them and hope that others can relate to it as well. So when May 17th comes and I graduate know this: this degree is mine and I will be selfish with it. I am super thankful for everyone who has supported me and has been then when the tears wouldn’t stop. I am thankful for the people who have told me to keep going and for those who recognized when I was not mentally okay before I could. I am also thankful to those who told me that I couldn’t find a job in Psychology or Dance. I may not be dancing right after college, but just you wait. I went to college for me, in hopes of creating a better future for kids and adults alike. Ever since I was a child I have always wanted to give back to the community and it starts with me graduating college and acting as an advocate for those minorities. Not everyone understands mental illness, but my hope is that one day they will. So alumni status.. here I come. #runmemydegree Pictures: Shot by Math Photography Thursday, December 31st 2020
2020 has been filled with many mysterious wonders. In 2019, I was filled with a packed schedule all year round and was heavily focused on school and work. Most times, I would not see my family for days, sometimes weeks, despite living with them. 2020 allowed for me to remember the importance of family and spending time with them. I was able to spend more time with my niece and try being the best aunt I can possibly be. Not only that but I was also able to grow a better relationship with my parents every day. Looking back at 2020 I realize just how much I was capable of doing. I was able to take virtual master classes with my first one being an intermediate contemporary class with Ruby Abreu. I definitely worked out more thanks to my coach and continued to build on my technique as a dancer and my endurance. Through my internship I was able to talk more about mental health on different platforms which is something that I have always wanted to do. I am super passionate about mental health and being able to talk about coping mechanisms through instagram live and talk about how I was coping with COVID helped me. It also allowed me to connect with the communities and the students that I facilitate health workshops that they are not alone. I also made a few tiktoks about health and what it looks like. Despite COVID I was also able to achieve a 3.7 GPA average for the spring semester and a 3.4 GPA for the Fall semester for an overall 3.3 GPA. Of course, my goal was a 3.4 GPA overall but considering everything I am happy to have this GPA average. As for my sorority, I was able to get the position of Service Officer which is something that I have wanted since I initiated in Fall 2019. Aside from that I was also able to be Academic Officer for the Fall and was the Expansion Chair for KDChi. I did my best to come up with creative service opportunities that would keep the girls engaged and also benefited the community. Despite a virtual world we were able to get a class of 4 which in itself is a good number. This semester, I was also happy to be blessed with a little sister who I adore so so much. I am so happy and lucky to be her mentor and big sister and not just with KDChi, but in life. In 2020, I was also able to find my lovely boyfriend. Of course, he deserves an honorable mention. He has known me since the pandemic first started and doesn’t know how I was before the pandemic. He does know of the anxiety and depression that consumes me and how much the pandemic affected me in that way. He understands my personal struggles and always cheers me on when I am unsure of myself and my future aspirations. I have managed my personal struggles before and have plenty of people in my corner that I am thankful for, but it definitely is special when that person cares for you in a way thats different from a friend. Lastly, I was able to still participate in the UTDance Ensemble this Fall. Many colleges and dance companies cancelled their shows and performances until further notice, but we were one of the few that were still able to have a show. It was a set-specific dance show done in TI Plaza. All of our pieces varied from one another, but one specific piece was titled “COVID Reflections”. This piece was taken from a small idea and expanded into a full on piece. Our director has a dance class with seniors who have Parkinson’s and they displayed dance movements that represented and emotion they were feeling like “isolation”, “loneliness”, “endurance”. We were able to dance with them followed by taking these concepts and adding our own interpretation to it. It was a very wholesome experience. I also turned 22 in a pandemic! I’ve discussed all the positive, but of course that is not without any trial and errors as well. In 2020, I went from working 20 hours a week to 16 hours every two weeks. I would only work 4 hours for two days each week. I was fortunate enough to not lose my job, but all the income I made went towards my bills and tuition. I was forced to take out more loans than necessary for this school year and lost my pell grant for the 2020-2021 school year. I found myself having three mental breakdowns this year which is pretty good considering in 2019 I almost had one every two weeks due to so much stress. However, despite the decrease in breakdowns I found myself feeling worthless and out of luck many times. I tried to look at the positives in my life, but that didn’t always help. I hit a very bad low in April that left me ignoring all my classes. I locked myself in my room and hardly spoke to anyone. My irritability was like no other. I reached another low in October around my birthday and my last one the week of Christmas. My mind was blank and sometimes my heart felt heavy. My eyes glossed over because I wasn’t truly there. I was alive, but I wasn’t living. I hated it, yet there was nothing I could do but let myself feel whatever I needed to feel. Journaling helped, and meditation did too, but frankly it was my seasonal depression that made me cry all the time and seem fragile. In June, I lost my aunt. She didn’t die of COVID but regardless a loss of a loved one hurts. Death is unfortunately inevitable. However, she wasn’t sick. In fact, she was very healthy. It just happened to be one of those incidents where she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. She was heading to my other aunt’s house for a plate of food. On her way there she gets into an accident to where she died upon impact. I was distraught and my mom was as well. My aunt left behind her two daughters and that’s what hurts the most. I pray that she is at peace though. I’m not saying I hope 2021 will be better, but I do hope that the positives and the accomplishments that I achieve this upcoming year will outweigh all the negatives that I’m no doubt to face. Monday, August 26th 2019
Instead of studying and reading Chapter Three from my Abnormal Psychology textbook here I am outside of my next class writing this blog post. I keep saying I'm going to get more consistent with my blogging but sometimes life gets in the way or maybe what I want to say is easier in video hence my YouTube channel. For that reason I'm not going to say any of that. As many of you all know I graduated from Richland college last semester (because I never let people forget). With that being said today starts week two of my University experience. I have made exactly ONE friend since last Monday and she's in my Abnormal Psychology class. It's moments like these where I wish I had Labrina's natural outgoing nature when it came to making new friends. At last, I have also seen a lot of people from Richland here... like A LOT, but it's okay because unlike High School I actually do like my classmates from Richland. The first week here at UTD was a bit...overwhelming. It didn't feel like it at first, but the minute I got home everyday I found myself tired and I avoided leaving the house. I even ended up taking naps on the days where I didn't work and if you know me then you know that I don't take naps. In fact, I loathe them however around midterms and finals season I make an exception due to all the studying I have to do for my classes. The first day I met up with one of my close friends and we walked around campus to the bookstore and it was so packed that we just turned around left. I think it was on Wednesday when UTD had their version of the club fair where we got to meet clubs, sororities, and the performance of UTD's Power Dancers and Cheer Team. It was loud and super crowded, but it made me feel like I made the right choice in picking UTD. For a while I feared that I was picking the University for the wrong reasons like I was doing with TWU earlier, but TWU is a different story. Throughout the Weeks of Welcome I knew that I would love UTD especially when I became more involved on campus. I also fell in love with my classes. I always struggled between choosing a major and Psychology had always been my first choice, but I always let people get in my head which is something that I'm learning to control now. Many people look at Psychology and think therapists or teacher and while those fields do relate to Psychology there is so much more to it. It's only the third day of classes and I feel like I've learned so much about myself and the way humans and the brain works. Of course, I still have a long way to go and I have to fully understand the concepts of it all before I am able to practice it even as an internship. Needless to say UTD is starting to feel like home and I've never been so grateful that I took this path instead of the alternative one. Much love, Cassi. P.S. I do not own the banner. Banner from https://oue.utdallas.edu/special-programs/voluntier Tuesday, April 23rd 2019
GUYSSS!!! I'm graduating! Literally if you have been following me on my social media then you know that I'm super excited about my graduation and I honestly can't wait for it. May 9th I'll be graduating with my Associates of Arts from Richland College and it's super exciting. It's been two years since I graduated from my high school and I finally finished all my basics and in the fall I will be going to UT at Dallas. There I will be pursuing my dream of getting my Masters in Psychology and my minor in Dance. Depedning on how things go I might also get my Bachelor's in Business which is also a big deal for me. I want to graduate achieving my dreams and I also want to do it in the smallest amount of time as possible. Transferring schools is a big deal and I might do a vlog later on about the do's and don'ts of college for transfer students. Not going to lie, if I had known what I wanted to study sooner then I would've been able to take the right classes and there wouldn't be a problem in it. However, it is too late for that. So for now I'm going to relish in the fact that I am halfway there. I am UTD bound!! #GOComets! Thursday January 10th, 2019
I think its time that I come to terms with who I am and who I want to be. When I say 2018 sucked for me I mean it fucking sucked. I had to deal with negativity on all ends even if my banner says “Good Vibes”. I had guys dissing me, got into a car accident which totaled my car, got an F n economics and started to even hate my job. The past few months I have been withholding a mental breakdown within me and I didn’t know what to do to get it out of me. 2018 was a rough year for me and made me turn into this person who is not me. I hated it. I cut off my old friends and started to close myself off to my family becoming this cold hearted person who even the slightest sound would tick her off. I was like a volcanoe waiting to explode. Guys dissing me wasn’t this huge old problem because it happens. It’s not that I couldn’t handle rejection, nor that I was upset about it. I was just mad, and I‘ve been mad a lot lately. I was mad because they left without giving me an explanation and it hurt. I care too easily and while it takes a lot for me to love someone caring so much for a person comes natural to me. So when people leave without an explanation it hurts me and angers me. Hence why I have trust issues so when a good guy actually does come into my life I try to ruin it before they can ruin me. It’s a dumb idea but it is true. Then, with the car accident I was traumatized and I have been since then. Not only was I driving but I had a coworker in the car with me and if something would have happened to her I have no idea what I would’ve done or who I would be today. For those of you who don’t know the story there was a truck who basically rear ended my drivers side as he was switching lanes. I was carless for three weeks and at the same time my dad had gotten sick right before starting his new job. My life was a mess and my parents medical issues I carried on my shoulders as a burden even if it wasn’t my burden to hold. I stressed over their well being and cared less and less about mine. Appearance is everything and after a while my face started to break out like crazy, something that I never allowed to happen. The accident happened in November and to this day I still have anxiety whenever drive. Around the time of the accident I had also received my first F and it was in economics. Yay me. This F tore my self-esteem down and I started to self-doubt myself. I started to wonder if I was even worthy of an Asssociates degree much less a Bachelor’s degree. I wondered why was I still in school if I was getting D’s and F’s. Granted I have more A’s and B’s than D’s and C’s but in that moment it didn’t mater. I failed to live up to the title of “Honor Student” and wondered why was I even in NSCS (Honor’s Club) when I couldn’t even pass a freaking Economics class. Needless to say work didn’t help me to escape this stress overload that I was experiencing at the moment. I was worried over being carless for three weeks, my parents health issues that happened to occur at the same time, and my faith in God being lost didn’t help. I carried my parents health issues on my shoulders as a burden when it wasn’t my burden to keep. My depression, I don’t even know if that’s the right word, got worse. It got to the point where I started to feel less of myself. I felt unworthy of many things in my life and I didn’t like it very much. It sucked feeling worthless and it sucked that you felt you couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Despite my flaws, there were days where I loved myself like a regular normal day. Soon the low would overcome the high. I want to major in Psychology to help people not feel what I am feeling and to learn to cope with my own inner feelings. I lost my faith in God this year and I never thought that it was something that I would lose.It made me question whether or not all my sadness was because of this lack of God’s faith. I used to pray to God every night and now I can’t even remember when was the last time that I prayed to God. Would always ask him to protect my loved ones, to protect my enemies, and to protect those I don’t know. Then like a little kid on Santa’s lap I would tell him one of my wishes and it was always the same one. “Lord, please let me fall in love soon.” So much has happened this year and it saddens me to realize that I truly have changed. Have changed and some parts for the better and others not so much. I hate to be vulnerable and I know that it’s time for me to get comfortable with it and let people in. I hope to everyone reading this that they’ll join me on this journey and give me guidance because I will need it all. Much love, Cassi, xo. Saturday October 7th, 2017
Nothing saddens me more than seeing the people I love in pain. What's even sadder is that they brush it off as nothing. When something affects them it shows in their face, in their personality. It shows. They must feel it too. Not everything we feel can be explained and we may not always know the reason behind it. What I do know from personal experience is that you can't do it alone. Sometimes positivity isn't enough. There's times where no matter how hard you try you just end up in the same depressed spot. It's okay. That happens sometimes. What's not okay is staying there forever. People focus so much on the negativity around them that they forget to breathe and look at the good things in their life. So what if someone isn't who you think they are? So what if you can't go out and party? So what if you've gone through so many bad experiences that you now have a number of insecurities? So what if you feel like you're not doing anything right? Focus on you. Think about your accomplishments. Think of how much of a better person you are now. Think about all the people who love and support you. Think of all the new possibilities you have now that you didn't have then. So many people get depressed by focusing on all things bad. That's not what life is about and that's not the reason you're alive. I'm not saying that depression comes from negativity either. Depression comes in different ways and it's different to each person who gets it. I don't necessarily want to focus on depression for this post. I was to focus on life. The thing about life is that you have to take it in for yourself. Do what you've always wanted to do within reason. We let so many things pass us by because we're focused on the wrong priorities. We focus on the "never's" and the "what if's" rather than the "now's" and the "me's". The thing about focusing on what's not important is that is leads you down a path you may not want to go there yourself. It's been a while since I've written but this blog always seems to keep me together in my darkest and happiest moments of my life. So aside from focusing on all the positive focus on something that you can always rely on. Something you can fall back to. But never think that there's a day that goes by that you're not worth anything because you value more than anything else. Do what you have to do to keep your mentality intact and your spirits lifted and don't ever think that you can't ask for help. The people who truly love and care for you will always lend a hand and never ask for anything in return and you will never be a burden to them. Wednesday June 28th, 2017
As I sit in my room listening to songs about happiness and loneliness I can't help but wonder many questions. Like there's the question of "Where does the sky sky and the atmosphere start?" "Who started the alphabet?" "Why do chickens not have butts?" (Don't @ my last question. It is not for discussion chickens do not have butts.) Then there's the question every teenager has asked themselves about. Who am I? I had this dilemma not too far ago. It's been only a month since we graduated and I can tell you that when it came to college I was an outsider. Everyone had their lives planned and I was the boat stuck in whirlpool. Given now I'm cruising down the Nile River but needless to say I know what I'm doing now. (More or less.) Yet there's still those few people who don't know what they're doing just yet. But wait, the question was-- Who am I? Is the only way to answer that question is by knowing what we want to do? For the longest high school defined me. Who is Cassandra? She's Jenny's best friend, she's an All-Star, she's an honors kid, she's a theatre geek, she's friends with the girl I don't like, she's the girl talking to so and so. The list could go on and on but at the end of the day I had to start thinking of myself as an individual. I may not be able to describe who I am but I as long as I know that's all that matters. So ask yourself who are you? You can ask all your friends and they can respond with the generic stuff like "you're a person who fights for what they want". While that may be true it's probably not going to be the answer you're looking for and if it s then great! To each person their own. As each chapter of our lives comes to end, or begins, many things come to mind. The only thing I can tell you fro experience is that we will change and of course I don't have a degree in psychology (yet) but our minds will tel us many things. It's up to us to choose what we decide to believe in. And when you do find out who you are---Tell me your story. Thursday February 23rd, 2017
Senior solo auditions are something that I dreamed about not too long ago. Some of my classmates may think that I'm "lucky" because of what I accomplished. While that may be true there's also other things that I'm not quite lucky in. Senior solos being one of them. I went into it feeling confident and trusting the fact that I've done my best. Sometimes that's all you can do: your best. I had every right to be confident and while that's a good thing the nerves still overtook me. I tried my best to add emotions and while I did at first as my solo progressed I lost them and it showed. I don't like rejection-- hell, no one does-- but it's things like that that will help me grow into a bigger person and better dancer. Yes, I am upset. I am upset to no ends. I feel like I should've gotten it and I feel like if I had pushed myself more then I would've. That may be true. BUT... Thats not what happened. My auditioning skills have gotten better but I'm still far from knowing everything. Besides that wasn't the only reason. There was another reason, one that's too personal and I won't share to anyone who isn't a close friend, and that reason made everything clear. I am a dependable person. I am a perfectionist. I am growing dancer. But I need to learn how to control this reason so it won't keep me away from future opportunities. So I'm thankful for Ms. Tyler and for being the caring teacher that she is. I know certain people would've thrown shade because they didn't get what they wanted but that's stupid. And I'm not going to lie, I'm hella shook at this one person because that's how she is. Regardless I'm going to keep working hard because that's the person I am and will continue being until I no longer can. I'm sorry for my improper language up there but then again, is my blog. I have nothing to be sorry for. Just thankful. |